I can still feel the panic that hit me when my oldest daughter was a baby. It wasn’t a one-time panic… it was an everyday panic. Panic that I was throwing off her sleeping habits, and she would miss out on developmental milestones. Panic that she wasn’t eating the right foods, and would end up with a nutritional deficiency. And even panic that I didn’t know everything I should be panicking about.
New anxieties popped up as she grew older – about behavior, friendship, decision-making, and emotion-processing. Had I read the right books? Was I creating the right routines? Responding with the right words? Or was it already too late – had I already made too many mistakes?
Well, I’ve been parenting for 17 years now and added five more kids to our family, so I’ve had the opportunity to worry about many, many situations, and to make many, many mistakes. If I could go back to my new-mom self, this is what I’d tell her:
- It’s okay to feel like you don’t know what you’re doing. After all, there are no one-size-fits-all solutions for parenting! Children have endless combinations of learning styles, personalities, giftings, and motivations – and so do parents. What works for one family may not work for yours – and if it does work with one of your kids, it probably won’t work with your next one! Rather than trying to figure out all of the “right answers” ahead of time, instead pray that God will grant you the greatest allies you could hope for in parenting: humility, courage, and loads of flexibility.
- It’s not too late. As long as you and your child are both still breathing, there is still time. Time to do the same thing over and over until you see a glimmer of results – or time to make a fresh start with a new routine. Time to step back and sleep on it. Time to find new perspective from a book or another mom, during a doctor’s appointment or a podcast. Time to take deep breaths and pray for a better attitude (your child’s… or your own). Trial and error is an underrated parenting skill! The kids aren’t broken, you aren’t too far gone, and all hope is not lost.
- It’s not all on you. Mothers carry a lot of influence – but we are only part of the picture! Fathers, siblings, friends, books, teachers, neighbors, coaches, church, and extended family are all woven into our kids’ life experiences, and can add incredible perspective and guidance where we are lacking. Surround yourself with humble, loving people who care about your kids and can fill in some of your “gaps” (it’s okay, we all have them!), and then ease up on yourself a bit.
- You don’t have to be perfect. No one can know everything or be prepared for everything. As much as we might like to create a perfectly curated backdrop for their growing-up years, that just isn’t how life works. And it’s also not necessary. God works in the midst of every situation – whether your plans for your child’s life are going the way you’d hoped or not, and whether you are the mother you hoped to be or not. It is frustrating to not be able to parent perfectly – but it is freeing when we finally accept this reality! All we can do is be faithful with what we have and what we know how to do.
- Your most important role is in being the one who doesn’t give up. You know how gardening works, right? The harvest comes at the end of the season, after we have tended and watered small, fruitless plants all spring and summer. Ultimately, it is this day-to-day tending and watering that makes the biggest difference in our kids’ lives, too. There won’t be many grandiose, breakthrough moments. And we will often feel a gravitational pull towards giving up or checking out. But if we plod along faithfully through the years, staying engaged and attentive, we start to see glimmers of maturity emerge. And believe me, it is absolutely worth all of the daily grind when you start to see the fruit at the end!
Most of all, I wish I could go back and give my 20-something self a big ‘ol hug and tell her that although the end results aren’t guaranteed, God’s faithfulness to her and her children IS a guarantee. He doesn’t stop working, even when we are fatigued. He isn’t confused or overwhelmed, even when we feel completely out of our element. We can trust God in His goodness, love, and power to move in amazing ways in both our lives and our children’s lives.
So breathe deep, mama. Surrender your anxiety to the One who created your precious child, and who holds all of their (and your!) days in His hands.
Beautiful things are ahead!
